graduated today. not happy about it. i'm so fucked.

the irony, yelling about how pornography is misogynistic and then proceed to preach about religion. bro is participating in the system that started misogyny in the first place. stop pretending you care about women and just admit that you're just mad that your peepee no longer works :( i hate porn and i hate males and i hate religion and my death cannot come soon enough.

"you don't see all that interested in graduating." why would i be? i already have no hope for my future. it's getting harder to fake it all. the bridge is coming and i'm still not ready to cross it. i don't have much to say. all i have been doing is finishing class work and playing video games. i just really hate myself.

anyways, here's a song i like.

hikkip - residual fools (extreme flash/loud + very mild nudity warning)

i suppose this is an extension to yesterday's rant because it's been hard to sleep. i've been stewing over the incident all last night and morning. i genuinely want to have a good relationship with my family. i love them, but my dad seems set on alienating me. at least my mom went out of her way to let me know that she won't bring up politics anymore ever since the dicussion over gun control with her spiraled out of control. she said it's because she doesn't want me to end up being one of those kids who cuts off all contact with family over politics. does my dad not feel the same way?

am i being over sensitive? i feel like i'm going crazy. my entire family are hardcore conservatives (except for my older brother but i don't want to bother him since i know the topic of politics upsets him as well), and i have no friends, so i feel like there's absolutely no one i can talk to for an actual, non-politically motivated opinion. i could post on some subreddit like AITA i guess, but i'm too scared for that.

my father knows i went out of my way to walk on eggshells around him. i never once said anything back when he would suddenly interrupt our innocent conversations with a purposeful jab towards my political beliefs. i would shove aside my feelings, stay quiet, nod, and laugh off or ignore the statement before moving to a different topic. i thought that was enough of a message to let him know that i really don't want to have these kind of discussions with him. i put in so much effort to try to keep our relationship happy. yet, he can't return the favor for me. he can't put in his own effort. does he feel entitled to my compliance? perhaps he thought my passiveness was a sign that he could say whatever he wanted? because no matter how much i refused to engage, he kept doing it again. every single time i would bring up some absurd topic, expecting a funny or silly conversation, it always ended up with him bringing up politics. yesterday was my breaking point. on our family outing, i just wanted to have fun and bond, but at any possible moment during our conversations with (with no regard for my fucking 10 year old sister), even if it was completely illogical, he would bring up something political. something about immigrants, abortion, black people, democrats, whatever the fuck. in my eyes, it not only was inappropriate (i don't think any of those things should be argued over in front of my little sister or in public, which he did both), but it completely ruined the lighthearted mood, like every other time before. so, i finally put my foot down and verbally tell him exactly what i have been trying to get him to understand: "i don't want to talk about politics with you", he said i need thicker skin and i need to learn respect. it's such an incredulous statement, i was, and still am, genuinely baffled. am i actually in the wrong? am i being a stupid "special snowflake"? am i just being a spoiled, selfish brat? i feel like my upset is justified. i don't know. i hate myself so much i can't trust my own judgment either.

to regain some of my sanity, i looked up "how to deal with conservative parents". i feel a little better, a lot of experiences people shared are quite similar to mine. i saved some snippets that i think with help me cope.

from what i gathered, i think i need to be more firm. i am a very quiet and passive person, it's very difficult for me to verbally express my discomfort, so i instead hope that my actions will help them get the message. however, my actions are either too vague or not enough. perhaps it's because i've always had a history of bottling my emotions up so as a result, people have to be mind readers in order to understand what i want. it's my fault then that i keep letting him walk all over me. i'm not assertive or clear. i need to firmly ignore him or leave the room anytime he brings up anything political, or i need to keep verbally telling him that i'm not okay with the conversation.

i can't possibly be in the wrong for that, right? i'm not being over sensitive over this? i love my dad, he's done so much for me. i love spending time with him. i love sitting outside and feeding the birds with him. i love talking about funny animal videos or new video games with him. i want to have and keep a good relationship with him. i just don't know if he wants or feels the same.

today didn't go to way i hoped it would, and honestly, when does it ever?

i just hate how everything i try to talk about with my dad always ends up going back to politics. it's always something he manages to pull out of his ass. i talk about a funny hypothetical scenario or a fun fact i learned and it always rounds back to "those damn democrats" or "abortion" or "immigrants" or whatever bullshit fox news is spewing at the time and completely ruins the mood. the worst part is, i know he does it on purpose. because he knows my views are more left leaning, and because i love my dad, i always refuse to argue every time he makes a jab towards anything lefist. i shut up every time, smiling and just letting him say what he wants to say before simply ignoring it and moving on to the next topic. i won't fight back, so he keeps doing it. but god, it just keeps piling up and up and i can't take it anymore. he was doing it again, so for the first time, i put my foot down and said "i really don't want to talk about this", but he kept going, because i know, i know he wanted to upset me. so when i spoke up louder and began to tell him how i hated how he brings up politics all the time, he said i needed thicker skin. how could he even taunt me like that? when he knows i actively never bring up anything liberal around him, purposely let him say whatever he wants, i purposely shut up to avoid conflict, i purposely just laugh off his words and ignore him every time he insults my beliefs? was it funny to him?

i hate it. my dad says he hates his father because he always shoved his political beliefs in his face when he was younger, but why can't he see that he's doing the same to me? i don't say anything. i purposely avoid politics. why doesn't he do the same for me? why can't he respect me? because i have leftist beliefs, does that automatically make me subhuman to him? i love and respect him despite his beliefs, why doesn't he love me? why can't he talk like a normal fucking person? why can't we just talk about funny jokes without the mention of joe biden or whatever the fuck? is his brain that rotted? why can't we be family?

i didn't end up going to the sushi place. there's leftovers at home.

i'm tired.

WARNING: GRAPHIC DISCUSSION OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND MURDER INSIDE

inspired by the liveliness of my backyard yesterday, i wanted to go out to the nature trail outside of my campus. the last time i went was during the winter time, where all the trees were bare, the bushes were dead, and the birds were scarce, so i was excited to see all the life that bloomed there for the spring, especially the birds. i distinctly remember by biology professor mentioning that there used to be a population of starlings that lived in the area, so i wanted to see if i could catch them around specifically. so, immediately after my criminal justice class, i went.

the very first time i went to the nature trail was with my older brother, and he insisted on being there with me because it's a very isolated and hidden area. ever since my older brother left for the military, i've been there a couple of times alone, but i never felt unsafe, just at peace alone. however, today was different. on my walk there, for some reason, i was hyper aware of my surroundings. the trail is situated far from the campus, next to the a couple of roads and a parking lot, so it's not abnormal for no one, save for maybe one or two vehicles, to be there, and a couple vehicles there were. one was a parked sports car, the other was a black truck, turned on but the windows made it hard to see the driver, if there was any in there at all. i remember the truck, it was there the other times i went to the trail (which was a year ago), in around the same area doing the same thing— turned on without a visible driver. unlike the other times, where i didn't give it a second thought, it made me uncomfortable this time. looking at the roads and the isolated area, i realized that quite literally anyone could come by, grab me, throw me in their car, and drive off, all without anyone knowing. the paranoia was kicking in, and often times, i don't know whether or not i should trust it. the first time i was truly paranoid and had a terrible feeling in my gut that i ignored, i mentally joked about it and almost got kidnapped. after that incident, i've decided that if i feel like something is wrong, i should trust it, but at the same time, i don't know where i'm just overreacting or if something bad is actually going to happen. ideas of possibly being murdered, raped or trafficked plagued my mind but, nevertheless, i treked on and walked onto the nature trail. i had my phone out in my hand, telling myself it was to take pictures of the birds, but really, i just wanted to have it out in case i needed to call for help. anxiously, i unconsciously stared into the mass of the thick bushes and trees that shadowed over me, trying to catch for any sort of figure of a person that might be lurking, until suddenly, i heard loud whistling of what seemed to have belonged to a man from inside the woods. the whistling was followed by the singing of a bird, but i was already so scared that i was about to cry, and immediately, i rushed out of the trail and back to the vicinity of the campus in a brisk walk. the whistling sounded so much like a man that i still don't know if it was just a bird, but perhaps my fear was making me want to believe that it was a person so i don't seem crazy.

after my quick departure, i went into the cafeteria and did some reading for the book assigned to us in our criminal justice class. i haven't finished the book yet, but to put it very, very briefly, the book is about how a mistaken witness testimony sent an innocent man to jail and the over all effects it had on the witness and man. the man was accused of raping the witness, and the first part of the book, which was what i had read, heavily details the night of the rape and the effects the rape had on her, including the alienation and misogyny she suffered through from her family after. it truly was heartbreaking and honestly spine-chilling to read, especially since a lot of the people who shamed her for being raped were women.

i mentioned i wouldn't write about this nightmare here and instead record it in my dream diary, but i've been thinking about it for so long, especially after today. i had a nightmare a few days ago where i was walking into a building to seek shelter from the rain, but what i was met with was a old racist white man. i instantly knew he was going to hurt me, and i sprinted out of the building and out into the streets, banging on car windows and screaming for someone to help me because i knew he was close behind. through one of the window's i banged on, i saw a brown woman with kids in the car, and the woman gave me a disgusted and appalled look, clearly telling me to go away. i remember the horror and terror i felt, that a woman of the same skintone as mine, a woman that could be my mother, would shun me away, and that i really was going to die. i closed my eyes and forced myself awake. it was perhaps the most coherent and memorable nightmare i've had in a long, long time.

after i finished my reading, i went home and spent time in my backyard once again to feed the birds, this time with my dad. he asked if i went on the nature trail i had told him yesterday that i had planned to do today, and i told him what happened in a half-laughing tone, as if i were amused by my own illogical paranoia. my dad doesn't laugh with me, but instead tells me that he's glad i left when i did because he forgot to tell me to be careful before i went. he told me that recently, there was a girl who was on a nature trail at her own college campus, and she got brutally killed by a man. shocked, i told him how i had my phone out because i felt scared, and immediately, my dad mentions that the girl also had her phone out and she called 911 but it was too late, and the police heard everything that happened as she was getting killed. he said after that he's going to get me some mace, which i've learned is pepper spray, for me to carry.

i'm rather blessed to be as protected as i am. i don't go in public very often at all, often cooping myself up in my home, but when i am out, i'm confronted with how unsafe reality actually is, that i am a woman. i read and heard about countless cases and stories involving violence against women, and often think to myself that the world is horrible and cruel, but even so, there are times where i've thoughtlessly walked down streets or alleyways only to immediately met with danger because somehow, the idea of getting hurt somehow didn't cross my mind at the moment. the most ridiculous thing is that every time i get into a situation like that, i'm shocked, like i actually completely didn't expect it to happen to me. i'm so sheltered, idiotic and careless that it's insane. i mentioned that i almost got kidnapped: i was alone in my dad's car while he went inside the store, and a man in the car next to me gestured through the window for me to get out, as if to help him with something, and the worst part is, despite my gut feeling, i almost actually walked out of the car without second thought, because at that moment, even though i was scared, the thought that he might do something heinous and horrible to me just didn't register. i've never actually have been subjected to the cruelties of this world, and the realization never hits me until it almost happens to me.

is it insensitive to ask if this is what it's like to be a woman, existing in outside world? where others are able to see? no, it's worse, i know. i just don't realize it, or unable to register it, because i've lived such a privileged life. do men experience this fear too? unable to enjoy a nature trail in broad daylight, because the idea of being kidnapped, raped or murdered is thick in their mind? i want to stay in my cocoon forever, surrounded by the safety of my family.

i honestly don't know what i'm writing anymore, i just hope i'm making some sort of sense. it's hard to put what i'm feeling into words, i'm tired. i hadn't intended for this entry to be so long. i'm glad i'm done with classes this week.

i honestly don't really feel like writing, but i figured i should because it's been a while since my last entry.

recently made a blog on tumblr and posted all of my graphics i made. even though i originally made the graphics for myself only, sharing them with everyone is really quite fun, actually. i like reading the tags people leave on my posts, it gives me more motivation to make more. speaking of graphics, i've also started uploading all of the graphics i use on my website onto neocities instead of third-party websites like imgur and catbox. yes, i should've done this a long time ago, but i was just so lazy because i knew i had to resave everything, name them, upload them, organize them, relink them, all one by one... but i did it! of course, not everything is fixed, but just most of the main stuff, anyway!

i've been thinking of changing the css to this page. i see everyone else's cute little journals in the form of virtual notebooks with little pngs plastered all over the page like a collage, and i feel like i want to do the same. but one, the css can be tricky, two, it's hard to make it match with my theme, and three, i like how easy and simple this css is to see. i tried making a couple versions with a notebook, but all the text is just concentrated on a small segment on the right side, and i just write... way too much for that to be comfortable to read. maybe i'll try to use it for my dream diary? i don't know, i need to chew on the thought and fiddle around with css more.

speaking of dream diary, i really need to start recording my dreams again... i had a nightmare a few days ago that i still remember (can't remember the good but i can remember the bad, isn't that wonderful?). i won't write it down here because i need to set up the proper trigger warnings, but i'll get to writing it on the dream diary page soon.

i've been consuming way too much matcha lately... i think it's definitely one of my favorite flavors of all time. i'm usually a stickler when it comes to buying food because i hate wasting money on something that's gone in a few minutes, but i've been regularly getting matcha lattes from the coffee shop at my campus because it's just. so good. i need to cut it out.

of course, i'm stressed because of my future. honestly, when am i not? it's like a shadow. something i just kinda live with and try to ignore until i can't anymore. and then, it all restarts. a cycle, of sorts. lately, it's been easy to ignore. right now, it feels like a friend, almost. no, not a friend, more like a wild animal. calm at the moment, and occassionally, it nips me, reminding me that it can maul me to death at any minute. or something like that. is it stress, or is it dread?

anyways, despite the reminders, i would say that i'm actually feeling good. my family is planning to go eat out this weekend, and i'm excited because it's at my favorite sushi restaurants. we're also going to go to a garage sale in the morning, and there's nothing i love more than browsing second-hand goods for treasures. i'm having fun making graphics and editing my website, and college work is fine— exciting, even. i have a couple of essays to write, one on philiosophy and the other on a book we're reading in criminal justice, but both have interesting prompts and will be fun for me to research.

it's funny, it's so incredibly hard for me to start something, but once i do, it's quite easy for me to finish. like this entry, for example. i've been thinking about writing for a while, but i haven't because i'm lazy and think that there's nothing to me to talk about. but, i'm already a couple paragraphs in. look at me go (my standards are as low as my self-confidence, leave me alone). now, if only that could translate to actual real life responsibilities. i would be such a productive member of society.

there's this song i really like, called "socialite death squad" by the idle hands. however, what i didn't realize before is that the band isn't the most mainstream (when you look them up, some movie by the same name appears instead...), so finding the lyrics to that song is impossible. yesterday, i tried to decipher the lyrics, but some of them are just really hard to hear. i'm going to write down what i have here, and if anyone reading this happens to be able to fill in the blanks, please let me know.

i'll end this entry off with a little audio clip of my backyard. the grackles are back and even though they're considered pests to a lot of people, i quite like the liveliness they add to a boring, empty backyard like mine. it makes going outside worth it for me, nature is so, so beautiful. they make such interesting and unique sounds, it's hard to believe that it's the same bird making them. i've been feeding them lately because i'm trying to befriend them for fun. well, also because i kinda want to train them to fetch me shiny things they find, because how cool would that be?

2024-04-03 2:55PM

fun fact, when i was in middle school, there were these group of grackles who would harass me (and every other kid, including my brother) who walked down the sidewalk towards our bus stop. there were trees on each side of the sidewalk, and i kid you not, when i would walk by, they would literally swoop down from tree to tree and smack me in the back of the head, like some sort of coordinated military attack. i did absolutely nothing to them, but i guess some kid who walked down that same sidewalk must've messed with them and now they just beat any kid who walks by. i would sprint down the sidewalk to try my hardest to avoid them, but they would always somehow get me.

these past couple of days, i was horribly sick. i don't usually get sick, but when i do, it sucks so bad (or maybe i'm just too much of a baby to deal with it). my stomach hurt so bad. i was vomiting every thirty minutes and i couldn't sleep to the point where i was crying because of how tired i was. i spent most of the night curled up on the bathroom floor. thank god it only lasted for a couple of day. i'm having some digestion issues now because of how much i vomited, but i'm dealing with it okay. i've been eating bland foods. trying to get myself back together.

i had a nice conversation with my dad. of course, he had to ruin it and mention politcs at the end, but i don't respond in hopes that he gets the message. he talked about how he used to hang out with his rich, alcoholic cousins and uncles when he was little. even though they were alcoholics, he also reminiscenced about how close they were. how close the family the used to be. how they used to go out every summer and go to a vacation spot and fish. how it all used to be so much fun. how the summers go by so quickly now once you grow up. how he wishes it could be like the way it was back then. i wish it was like that too.

daijbou-p - what can we do (NSFW IMAGERY & EXTREME LOUD NOISES/FLASH WARNING!!!)

wow this is. visceral. like, this song makes my heart pound in my chest and makes me wanna close the tab immediately. it makes me feel something but i don't know what. it's not horror, i'm not scared. i'm not completely disgusted either-- it just feels wrong. like i'm witnessing something that should not exist. something that only exists in my sleep paralysis or nightmares. i often have nightmares of bugs and loud noises just like this. where the noises grow so loud and unbearable that i can't help but shoot up awake in my bed. jesus christ. this is amazing.

Kagamine Rin - Honeyeater

A song I don't want to listen to more than once. I feel sick.

"You're all smiles and no substance."

One of my biggest insecurities is that I am a boring person. I recently read a blog post about the lack of passion on neocities, blaming the boring people. At first, I disregarded the post as edgelord rambling, but the words still perversely lingered in the back of my mind. Everytime I looked on other people's sites, I saw that there was always one thing that took up most of their website. Whether it'd be journaling, OCs, sewing, pets— there was always something they could write about for pages and pages. I didn't have that. My site was empty, all just pretty pictures. I was another boring loser taking up space that I didn't deserve. I immediately went out and tried to stuff as much personal content on my site as possible, hoping to make up for my lack of personality, and yet, I still feel like it makes no difference. No matter how many pages I write, it feels like I'm saying nothing at all. Because at the end of the day, it feels like I'm not even a human being, I just copy what other human beings do. Not just on the web, but in real life too. I have no friends. It's not because I'm mean or weird, but it's because I'm boring. I look at other people. See how they act. Absorb their personalities. Play it safe. Find out what makes them happy and what doesn't. Act accordingly. Copy them. Stay quiet. Don't make yourself look weird. Smile. Laugh at their jokes. Shut up. A boy I liked told me that all I do is giggle. I'm good for an exchange or two, but not interesting enough to stick around with. I only exist as a hollow shell. There is nothing worth while inside of me. You can't connect with a person that doesn't exist.

"Please don't stare."

I am ashamed for the way I am. I feel guilt for existing. I don't want to be percieved by the world, especially when I act so pathetically. I've always been insecure. Severe social anxiety. I'm a shut-in. I don't talk to people because I'm afraid and embarrassed to even be in public, and my loneliness only makes me even more humiliated. I wish to pass through the world like a ghost.

"You're just acting like a spoiled child. I know, but don't hate me."

To say that I've lived a comfortable life would be an understatement. I've never felt unsafe in my neighborhood. I've never been threatened with homelessnesss. I don't have a job. I can't drive. I spend my days doing whatever I please. My parents coddle me. Treat me kindly. Give me all the needless treats I desire, and even ask if I want more. Everyone does the work for me. But once something doesn't go my word or I'm reminded of my responsibilites, I have the audacity to feel upset. I close my mouth and isolate myself. The silent treatment, like a spoiled child. I know it's wrong, and when I'm done, I feel guilt. I feel horrible for existing when I'm given so much and yet, I feel too comfortable with my life to be better, to push myself to get outside of this bubble. The idea of having to fend for myself utterly terrifies me. All I know is how to ask. And even with this guilt, I still ask for more. I beg that I don't be hated. That I be loved even for all my faults. Even if I don't deserve it.

"'I can see the future.' I peered down this hole. A face like mine looked this way."

My aunt is someone I once greatly admired as a child. My younger self saw an older, twenty something year old woman like her as the coolest person alive. The ideal adult woman, like something out of a movie. But, as I got older, I became more and more aware of the happenings in our family. She's a burden. She's spoiled. She's still completely dependent on her parents that she claims to have ruined her life. She believes women are lesser. Her emotions go out of control at the tip of the hat. She says things to hurt the people who love her. It's like walking around egg shells around her. She takes anxiety medication. She constantly cries about how the world is against her and refuses to take accountability for any of her actions. When I was fourteen, she held me tightly and told me that I needed to get the fuck out to be happy. I hate her. And the worst part is, I see myself in her. I am like her, and when I catch myself talking like her, getting upset like her, crying like her, I see myself falling down the same hole she went down. The hole of self-destruction, the hole of being a complete failure as a human woman.

"I'm afraid of the dark when I refused to close my eyes. I couldn't even sleep anymore."

Being conforted with the reality of my future. I stay up, sick to my stomach every night thinking about how useless and pathetic I am, and how all the effort and love my family put into me will go to waste. My nana says she's grateful for me, that she knows I'll do great in life, that I won't be like my aunt, but it's not true. I'm just lying to everyone. Closing my eyes and putting on the facade that everything is really okay, that I have passion to live and a goal to achieve, and that I'll be able to overcome any struggle, any darkness, that stands in my way. And when I lie in bed at night, my eyes open and facing the wall, remembering the kind of person I am, I grow so, so afraid of everything. Of any struggle. If anything happens to not go the way I want it to. What if I don't get accepted into the university, then what? What if I graduate and don't get a job? What if I'm alone? What if they all discovered that I was just a failure? All of which haunts me until the daybreak.

"I can't forget the taste of honey. Before I know, I couldn't leave. I was told no again."

I miss my childhood so much. The younger years where my biggest concerns was fitting in at school and passing my classes. All of my troubles, even though they seemed to be the end of the world for me, now sound so much more appealing. More desirable. Like the taste of honey. This nostalgia and yearning, I can't grow up. I can't grow past this childness, I still feel the same I was before turned eighteen, the day I dreaded because I know. I know I can't mature past my childhood years. I'm constantly reminded of my future. My mother asks me if I've applied to transfer yet, and everytime, I get upset, because it feels like I'm being told no to staying a child forever.

"Am I going to die? If it die, will it end? I'm going to die. I wish I could laugh. Will it end?"

There is not a day that passes by where I do not yearn for my death. I pray every night that I don't wake up the next day. I won't be around to feel the guilt, to experience my parents' anger and disappointment when they realize that I was all just a waste. I tell myself that I'll kill myself eventually, that I'm playing around until the inevitable. Telling myself to guiltlessly have fun and forget my worries while I still can, but I can't. I can't laugh, I can't feel joy. Because I don't know if I will actually die. I'm too afraid for suicide. I don't want to die painfully, and even if I'll be gone, I don't want to be blamed. The chances of me dying from some other causes are incredibly slim. There is still some sort of spark of hope, or perhaps delusion, inside of me that thinks maybe I'll change. Maybe I'll meet someone, maybe my parents would still love me even if I didn't do anything with my life. I don't know if it will end. Before it's too late, at least.

i have so much work to do, but i just needed to write.



two days ago (feburary 29th), it was our family dog's birthday. his name is champ, and he is, now, a 12 year old german shepherd. he was born on a leap year, and he's actually a year (or seven years, i guess? in dog years) older than my little sister. he's overweight and very slow to move now, but he's still the best dog ever. i was around maybe seven years old when we got him, so you could say he's the my childhood dog. as i've always done for champ's other birthdays, i baked him a cake.



it's just the same doggy cake recipe i used before, but this time, i added frosting made out of greek yogurt and dog-safe peanut butter. i carved a dog bone out of a carrot, because he loves carrots now. the orange things were my attempt at making nice looking carrot shavings, but it clearly didn't go well, lol. i was going to give the cake to him like normal, but this birthday, my parents actually wanted to sing him happy birthday together as a family, which is still quite unbelievable for me to think about. so, we did, and i genuinely felt happy. i can tell he really liked the attention and the cake, of course. first, he was actually politely licking the frosting, but he quickly just started to take bites out of it before eating it whole. he's so cute.



i love champ so much, it's hard to put it into words. i truly don't think i would've been around for this long if it weren't for him. his presence makes me happy and protected, like i'll always be okay as long as he's here. he's the only being who won't judge me for the loser i am. i hope he doesn't remember those terrible years, i hope this life of love, affection and luxury he receives from all of us is all he knows. i want him to always feel comfortable and happy, and when he eventually passes, i hope i'm wrong about god's lack of existence, so champ will be able to go to heaven.

i feel so completely and utterly screwed. i genuinely believe there's no hope, i can't see a life outside of this cocoon i've buried myself in. i wish i could just be a neet. i can't do adult things; i can't get a job, i can't pay my own bills, and i can't even drive-- and the worst part is, that i actually like it. everyone is nice to me. i feel loved. i feel safe. however, the second i feel happy, the reminder that i'm a lazy piece of shit that's behind in life and mentally hits me. the guilt makes me want to vomit everytime. i know i should be a sucessful person. i've been loved and coddled by my family for my entire life, it's the least i could do to repay them. i'm so pathetic in every way.

i don't believe in god but i pray every night that i don't wake up the next day. i hope a car hits me. i hope a shooter kills me. i hope my body just spontaneously shuts down. i hope that something, anything, will just come and end my miserable existence. i don't want to end it myself, because then i will feel guilty for throwing away the love and effort that everyone put into me. stupid, right? i want someone else to do the work, like always.

nothing crashes my mood down more than when the subject of my future is brought up. i can't tell the truth-- that i have no goals. no motivation to be a successful and rich person. but i tell everyone the same thing--"i want to pursue forensics" even though that it's not true. i don't want anything to do with forensics, not anymore. i actually like environmental biology, like to do with animals and marine life, but i feel like i've gone and wasted too much money to change my degree plan now. i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. i feel like i'm playing pretend until my inevitable suicide, and this game fucking sucks. why didn't i do more in my childhood? why did i waste everything?

what if the university doesn't accept my transfer application? then what? what will i do? i don't know. i tell myself that that's a bridge i cross when i get there but that doesn't stop the thoughts from plaguing my mind. i stay up awake, cry and fall asleep to the anxiety. i am worried, so constantly worried.

this is all embarrassing gibberish, i feel like. i'm just writing down every negative thought that i've ever thought at this point. maybe it's because i can't say any of this in real life, so i feel the urge to just say it somewhere. i want to be loved. i want to live without guilt. i want someone to accept me for the horrible, selfish person i am.

this thought has occured to me more than once before, particularly when i experience something new, but i really don't think i understand myself as much as i think i do.

in theory, i should enjoy philosophy, and i actually do to some extent. overthinking is, unfortunately, one of my favorite and most visited activites, but the fact that a lot of philosophy seems to involve religion totally pulls me out of it... i try to be open-minded, but man, there's this annoying little nagging voice in the back of my head that just goes "well, um actually, that can be explained with biology" like a goddamn asshole. trust me, i hate the whole "the curtains are just blue!!!" shit more than anyone, but damn it, i just don't believe there's any deeper, godly meaning to a lot of the questions asked. like, "the meaning of life" for example. often, there is some spiritual or emotional answer attached to it, but i just genuinely believe that... there is none. it's all just luck that we are alive. the earth happened to form at the right time with the correct conditions for life, we happen to win the genetic lottery, we happen to create our own societies, and it has all lead to the point where we have the ability to actually ponder our existence. we just exist. we just are. the meaning of life is whatever we want it to be.

another thing that i really hate is that when i'm sitting in the classroom and learning about what greek philosophers dictated as a "fulfilling life" or "virtious person" and i start to think what they're saying does seem right to me, i can't help but suddenly remember about how they're just talking about men, not women. because at the end of the day, it's just a bunch of males who think that they have everything figured out and that their view of the world is superior to others because they're... men, and how a woman's view on a "fulfilling life" or a "virtuious person" would 100% be viewed as stupid or illogical, if even acknowledged at all. i know i'm being a little sensitive sjw about it, but it just makes me uncomfortable, and i can't help but disregard a lot of their views despite their honored statuses, and i can't bring myself to care. maybe it's not such a bad thing, because at the end of the day, philosophy is just all about what you think, but i have such an innate grudge against men that's so pervasive that i can't live my stupid little ignorant life without thinking about how horrible they are and how the patriarchy has pretty much violated every aspect of life as we know it.

i have so much to say that it keeps me up at night, but everytime i write, i feel like it's all a whole lot of nothing. i just can't find the right words to say exactly what i want to say, and it's genuinely frustrating. is it even possible to communicate exactly what your brain is thinking? or am i just a bit dumb?

just wanted to pop in and say that my older brother gave me the best gift ever.



a freaking tiny glass dachshund!!!!!!

woo, i managed to finish this semester and pass all my classes! honestly an accomplishment for me since i was taking a couple difficult math courses, so i can finally relax because my next semester will be super easy. but that's not really what i wanted to write about today.

this morning, i just had the realization that if catbox.moe were to ever go down, my site would fall with it. i am not exaggerating when i say that almost every picture on this entire site is hosted on catbox.moe. sure, catbox.moe has been around for 8 years now, but the concept is still making me anxious, so i think i'll just going to try to save every picture on this website now, just in case... i can't even imagine how utterly devastated i would be if i just woke up one day and everything on my site was just... gone. i don't even think i would have the energy to search for all those pictures and recreate this site again. i'm not a very smart person for not thinking this ahead, but better now than ever, right?

for the first time in a long time, i'm genuinely happy. carefree, even. as silly as this may be, the feeling is almost foregin to me. with all this free time to myself now, there's no longer a weight of stress and anxiety on my back whenever i open up my laptop to mess with my website or play a game. that is, until next year, of course. however, i am currently in a god awful artblock. i feel like my ability has just degraded ever since i started this semester. i've been trying to hard to just force myself to draw in hopes that something good comes out, but everything i make just looks hideous and uninspired. maybe becoming interested in a new piece of media will help me! i've been getting into death note lately, and the artstyle is just so gorgeous. i'm hoping that when i finish it, i'll become inspired to create something new! usually that was always the case before, so maybe it'll work again. hopefully.

i get a weird feeling in my chest everytime i look at old roleplay forums, because it makes me remember how obsessed i used to be with roleplaying when i was a middle schooler. the only way i can describe the feeling is that it's a mixture of melancholy, nostalgia, and longing. as cringe and pathetic as i was back then, at least i was happy.

i used to be really active on warriorcatsrpg. i believe i discovered that website through an animal jam warrior cats roleplay session. anyone remember madjaster's den, where we would all go with our bunnies, foxes, and wolves dressed with fox hats and roleplay warrior cats? yeah, that was eleven year old me's favorite thing to do after a day of school. no "hanging out with friends" or "playing outside", just straight to the world wide web and animal jam. it's really no mystery as to why i'm so insanely socially inept today.

speaking of animal jam, i recently logged into my animal jam account, which i haven't done in ages, and looked at madjaster's den, only to find it completely empty. no membership, no decorations, no people— nothing. again, i got that same stinging pang of melancholy. out of curiosity, i checked wootmoo's den as well, because i remember it used to be a huge trading hub, but still, no one. i really miss that game. yeah, it's still around, but it's not the same. the people made that game so enjoyable, and all the people are gone. honestly, i could keep going about animal jam (and all the websites i used to love back then, like quotev and transformice)— it was the biggest chunk of my childhood, but i know i've been hugely off track at the moment, so i'll save that rambling for another time.

anyways, moving on. i got addicted to warriorcatsrpg with my first post. it was basically animal jam roleplaying, but better! it turns out, writing full, detailed paragraphs of your actions and characters in a sophisticated forum was so much more fun than just saying "*eats mouse*" or "*scratches face NN*" in animal jam. however, when i browsed the other boards, i discovered that they also had a section dedicated to anime roleplays. goodbye warrior cats! i found my new addiction— ridiculously cringe anime high school roleplays. god, what i remember the most is this roleplay i hosted called "we could be heroes" (yes, titled after that song) and it was about something about playing a character with superpowers and joining a superhero group? it was basically rip off big hero 6 (which i'm 99% sure inspired me to create the roleplay to be honest). i also very vaguely remember hosting a roleplay about random characters from other anime/games falling into some sort of worm hole into a world where they were all together, and everyone who joined basically had to play some sort of random fictional character. i thought i did something with those roleplays lmao.

apart from the aformentioned roleplays, i really can't remember much after. the memories are very, very blurry during this period. i'm pretty sure when i reached maybe 8th grade, i abandoned the site for a long time and came back only to find that they changed their name to "feralfront". i can't even remember if i roleplayed after the name change. recently, i randomly checked on the site again, only to find that it got closed down completely. i spent quite a while trying to browse through- the archived posts to see if i could find my old roleplays, but of course, since i can't even remember what username i used, my efforts were fruitless.

i really wish i could go back to those times. i used to really have the courage to go out and just create roleplays simply because i wanted to. i used to have so many online friends that i talked to so often. i even had a stupid online girlfriend when i was like what, 12? 13? now, i lurk discord servers and get nervous writing a comment on someone's guestbook. what happened?

well thanksgiving was in short, awful, and reminded me that sometimes, i really believe that having children is unethical. i would never want to have a son only for him to be corrupted and grow up in a horrible sexist asshole, and i would never want to have a daughter in fear of what she’ll experience from simply being born female. i’ll never be able to protect them both and keep them clean from the horrors of the world. i'm just tired.

a day has not passed by where i have not worried. anxiety is like my shadow. the close future terrifies me imensely. every time the subject of "future goals" is brought up, i feel sick to my stomach. i constantly compare my own feats to others who are my age and i feel like i am just so behind in all ways. i am so dependent on others that i'm still practically a child. i shouldn't be, but it scares me to not be dependent. to be completely and utterly honest, i want to hold someone's hand throughout life. i am so comfortable in isolation in my cocoon that i cannot imagine a life where i am on my own. i want to be loved even if i end up staying the same pathetic person i am right now. it's extremely selfish. how can i possibly think that someone like me is deserving of love when i don't put in effort to be a functioning human being? love is earned, not inherit.

i should be in a four-year university like my peers, but i'm still stuck in community college. i know i shouldn't feel ashamed, but i do, because my family puts in so much effort and money for me, but i'm so freaking useless. i cried in front of my advisor because of how scared and unsure i feel about my future. she says i'm doing fine, but i'm really not so sure. i just don't want to disappoint my parents.